How can she describe those moments from 15 or so years ago? Back when she thought she had everything figured out. She believed she knew everything about how the world works.
Heartbreak? She thought she understood it completely. How could she not? If she had pierced herself through a few of them.
Life? She felt she had it all worked out.
Freedom? She felt she had it in abundance, ready to grab every experience with her "Carpe Diem" attitude. She tried not to care too much about little things, thinking that love was just a temporary feeling and nothing really lasted forever. She stopped believing in God. In her youthful confidence, she thought she was in control.
Now, she finds herself reflecting on these past beliefs with a mix of amusement and nostalgia. She never imagined she’d be here, writing about everything she once thought she knew. It feels strange yet familiar; this reflective mood that’s been creeping up on her lately. She’s been making unexpected connections; between things, people, and especially her memories.
She finds herself remembering old times with a new set of eyes, both figuratively, with a new perspective, and literally, with her prescription eyeglasses. It's a sign that she's getting old, everything feels blurred, yet somehow everything also makes sense.
Like when she was cooking adobo in her newly bought green, non-stick, cast iron pot. It felt so "Fancy!" she thought, so different from when she was learning to cook at 10 years old. Back then, she used a heavily burned caldero to cook rice; it was the symbol of her early cooking days. She remembers how Mamang would call out from the doorstep of their old house at three in the afternoon. Her voice carrying half a kilometer to where she played Chinese garter or "text" (iykyk) with the neighborhood kids. “Yanie!!!! Agisaang ka innapuyen!!” she’d yell, signaling her to start the woodfire and battle the wind or rain or the dog from that outdoor kitchen and to ensure the rice didn’t burn. No wonder she thought she had trauma about cooking.
She misses people. One person from about 15 years ago reminded her that memories don’t have to stay locked in the past. If a memory was powerful and meaningful enough, it can still feel vibrant and alive in the present. This realization comforts her as she now sees things with greater understanding and clarity. She can relive those moments without fear, knowing she’s grown and learned since then. She is piecing together the fragments of her past and trying to make sense of everything that’s happened. It’s a journey of rediscovery, tracing back to the very things that once seemed so insignificant, now turned profound through the passage of time. And now, she cooks.
She realizes she has multiple stories to tell, each representing a different version of herself. There’s the person from her past, who made countless mistakes; the person she is now, who has learned to forgive; and the person she will become, who will look back and tell these stories with newfound wisdom. Each chapter reflects a different phase of her journey, capturing how she has evolved over time.
So, it all started with…
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