Depression... there, I said it.
Was it Sunday or Monday when I started feeling weird? I was at the beach with Manuel and Erza, it was supposed to be a good day, but I felt off. That day and the day before, it felt like Manuel was being very critical of every move I made. "I can't do this and that, I can't go here, there...| I felt like he was breathing down my neck.
When he asked me what was wrong, I didn't think "depression" was the right answer, but that's what I said. I knew it wouldn't make sense to him because we just had a great time at our friend Pepito's birthday party that weekend. But that's the thing with this weird thing: it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't choose a good or bad moment. It doesn't care. It just dawns on you and leaves you at the mercy of how long and how strong you can take it.
But that's not why I want you to read this post. I want you, my friend, to appreciate the beauty of bouncing back.
Finding Strength in Support
In that moment, Manuel was my bounce back. He said, "We have decided to be together for a long period of time, so we have to find a way to get through this. But know that I am here for you, Erza is here for you... You are not alone, so you don't have to carry this burden on your own." I dropped down in tears to the toilet seat as we were having this conversation in the bathroom while locking myself down in pain. I didn't want him to be bothered with my issues.
Physics would tell us that we are always going downwards. The law of gravity would prove that we are always going down. Physically, it is known that we will age, we will die. In a stoic sense however, we know that we don't know what will happen tomorrow. But in between this law of falling and the inevitability of being sucked down to something unknown called death, there is always an in-between.
The Power of the Bounce Back
Just like a ball bouncing back, there is the event horizon, and these are the moments when you make something unknown, known. I celebrate these bounce backs in my life with overwhelming tears because every time it happens, it gives me the opportunity to assess what truly matters.
Can I go through the long haul with this man? Is it worth it to go through the rest of my life with this man? Can I keep it together until my last breath with this man?
But what is more challenging is if these men or women are people you cannot easily kick out of your life, so you ask the same question with a different persona... Can I go through the long haul called life with my son? With my mother? With my brother-in-law? People that had been put in my life and had no say in whether I want them or not. In reality and unfortunately, to love them, to hate them, there always is this choice you have to make...
Choosing Your Path
The choice is always the path you want to take. The easy way or the hard way. The easy way is to get sucked into the unknown and just leave it as it is. Just continue hating them, continue ignoring them, continue criticizing them, blaming them for their faults. That is the easy way. Easier than having to change something within yourself. Easier than working on changing your perspectives, so much easier than changing your own attitude.
Bounce backs come from the love, understanding, kindness and gratefulness you give out. I surely wasn't this before. I was the sucker, I was the attention seeker, I was the people-hater. That was easier to do, but harder to deal with. In going against gravity, I realized that it had blessed me. It had blessed me with enough time to circle back. Bouncing back so many times became overwhelming that it had literally made me dizzy, but undoubtedly made me insanely happier. Do I want to tame it down? I don't think so... I want to keep fighting gravity, but at the same time, study the flow. I want to keep on loving and appreciating every single person in my life. That will be my flow. I want to inspire, I want to help. I know now that is what I want to do, I know now that is the path I choose. But can't do it alone, I need more bouncing balls.
Comments