Bisperas ng pasko. Pangalawang araw ko na ring hindi naliligo. Sobrang nangangati na ang ulo ko pero diko ito alintana. Tuloy pa rin ang pag-tikatik ng aking keyboard. Nakaka limang umpisa na ako ng kwento sa dalawang araw kong pag upo sa harapan ng lap top. Wala talaga akong mapiga sa utak ko. Marami akong naiisip pero nagiging struggle sa akin ang maging creative ngayon. Malamang kailangan ko ng pampadulas, pantanggal ng bara, pampa-init ng utak. Kailangan ko ng experience para may maisulat.
Marami, marami akong naiisip. Pero bakit hindi ko maisulat? Marami akong napagdaanan nitong mga nakaraang linggo. Panay kalokohan. Naisip ko, probably because it’s not worth writing. Or, maybe because I’m not that affected at all. Parang yung feeling na nawalan ako ng kamay, pero wala lang. Nasunugan ako ng balat sa mukha pero wala lang… May umalis at malamang dina babalik… pero parang… wala lang…
More than a month ago, I have been playing. Playing with my emotions. Playing with my career, playing with my reputation.
But… fuck it…
Fuck my emotions, I haven’t been feeling so good for quite a long time anyway. Everything about this fucking feeling is a mess anyway. I have been putting a lot of tests to myself. Crazy tests. For instance, I have made myself invisible to my close friends. This is a test on who my friends really are. Who will miss me, who will look for me, who is greatly affected by my absence. But most of all, this is a test for myself. Can I live alone? Big risk… But yeah, I’m just fucked up… big time!
Fuck my career. Eversince I landed in this god-forsaken job, I have never felt proud about myself. I am so dying to get out of here. Idagdag mo pa ang mga ka-opisina kong wala nang ibang ginawa kundi mag reklamo sa mga trabaho nila samantalang wala naman silang ginagawa. Fuck it really. Ibigay pa nila sa akin lahat ng trabaho nila wala silang reklamong mariring sa akin. I want them all to get a life… Hello, Tatagalugin ko to baka kasi mabasa nila. Fuck it kung maintindihan nila. It just shows how paranoid everyone is kung mage-effort pa talaga silang ipa-translate tong mga kabulastugan ko. In a way… alam kasi nilang nagba-blog ako. Idagdag mo na rin ang amo kong nagbabasa na rin ng mga kalokohan ko. I’m wondering if next year should be a good one. Sa tingin ko dapat mag-umpisa na akong maghanap ng ibang trabaho. Fuck this job.
Fuck my reputation. It was a make-believe that I had a good one anyway. This is me. This is the real me. This is my dark side. This is my free-willed side. Of course it had never been a good one… So why bother? I have in fact made it a point to be very annoying to everyone. This way, I will never feel the pressure of doing good things to people. This way, I will have the license to bad mouth everyone whenever I feel like it. This way, I can say whatever I want… without feeling guilty.
I never ever want to feel guilt. It stings. Bisperas ng pasko pero mala-undas itong post ko… tsk… ! Kakain na nga lang muna ako ng dinuguan.
Marami, marami akong naiisip. Pero bakit hindi ko maisulat? Marami akong napagdaanan nitong mga nakaraang linggo. Panay kalokohan. Naisip ko, probably because it’s not worth writing. Or, maybe because I’m not that affected at all. Parang yung feeling na nawalan ako ng kamay, pero wala lang. Nasunugan ako ng balat sa mukha pero wala lang… May umalis at malamang dina babalik… pero parang… wala lang…
More than a month ago, I have been playing. Playing with my emotions. Playing with my career, playing with my reputation.
But… fuck it…
Fuck my emotions, I haven’t been feeling so good for quite a long time anyway. Everything about this fucking feeling is a mess anyway. I have been putting a lot of tests to myself. Crazy tests. For instance, I have made myself invisible to my close friends. This is a test on who my friends really are. Who will miss me, who will look for me, who is greatly affected by my absence. But most of all, this is a test for myself. Can I live alone? Big risk… But yeah, I’m just fucked up… big time!
Fuck my career. Eversince I landed in this god-forsaken job, I have never felt proud about myself. I am so dying to get out of here. Idagdag mo pa ang mga ka-opisina kong wala nang ibang ginawa kundi mag reklamo sa mga trabaho nila samantalang wala naman silang ginagawa. Fuck it really. Ibigay pa nila sa akin lahat ng trabaho nila wala silang reklamong mariring sa akin. I want them all to get a life… Hello, Tatagalugin ko to baka kasi mabasa nila. Fuck it kung maintindihan nila. It just shows how paranoid everyone is kung mage-effort pa talaga silang ipa-translate tong mga kabulastugan ko. In a way… alam kasi nilang nagba-blog ako. Idagdag mo na rin ang amo kong nagbabasa na rin ng mga kalokohan ko. I’m wondering if next year should be a good one. Sa tingin ko dapat mag-umpisa na akong maghanap ng ibang trabaho. Fuck this job.
Fuck my reputation. It was a make-believe that I had a good one anyway. This is me. This is the real me. This is my dark side. This is my free-willed side. Of course it had never been a good one… So why bother? I have in fact made it a point to be very annoying to everyone. This way, I will never feel the pressure of doing good things to people. This way, I will have the license to bad mouth everyone whenever I feel like it. This way, I can say whatever I want… without feeling guilty.
I never ever want to feel guilt. It stings. Bisperas ng pasko pero mala-undas itong post ko… tsk… ! Kakain na nga lang muna ako ng dinuguan.
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