I wasn't decided to go. 2 days before my flight I have just informed my boss that I’m taking a break. A quite long break. But at that point, I still wanted to take my word back. There’s just one call that could make me do it. Just one text or just one call. .. was all I was waiting for.
A couple of months ago, I have not been sleeping well. I called up friends, chatted with officemates, discussed my dilemma with them, blogged about it… tried to reason out… listed the pros and cons, listed my expenses, asked for signs, felt my heart... and there’s one thing I was clearly sure of… I do not have a decision... yet.
I don’t take this long to decide. So why, you might want to ask. Why was I so undecided to do this thing? Doing this is very easy. Just as my friend had suggested, “Just pack up your things and go” Everything has been arranged, flights, go-go from all authorities, all expenses... settled! Why then, am I still making it so hard?
I was doing this for myself, that’s why. I am not used to doing things for myself. I am not used to making major decisions for my own enjoyment, for my own comfort. I was used to sacrificing for other people. That has become my joy, to hurdle for others, to work for others, to be happy for others. I can’t feel genuinely happy if I know I was doing things for myself. And this trip is for myself. I was doing this for myself, let me just emphasize that. And this took a lot of self-convincing.
That it’s okay to do things for your own self. A lot of my friends said, I deserve this break. It has been four years and I have not stopped working. Please don’t get me wrong. I love working for these “others”, I don’t feel bad sacrificing for them, besides, these “others” are the reason I am working in the first place, these “others” are truly my treasure. There are other people who had worked forty years and had never had a break, and so I asked myself, where are they now? You tell me.
By the way, I for one, shouldn't have any reason to ask these things in the first place. Whole family’s with me and I don’t practically have a house to go "home" to. So some people also asked me the same question I kept on asking myself for the last 2 months. Why do I have to go home? Where is your home? Who is home?
What makes this situation different are the strange dreams that awake me in the middle of the night. Dreams about the smell of green fields and dry lands, dreams about rains and dreams of old friends’ faces. It’s trying to pull me… back "home". And I can’t seem to resist it.
And so, I gave myself a deadline. June 10 I should have decided already. While doing this I was already organizing some plans such as searching for flights and accommodation costs. But June 10 came I wasn’t still decided. I was to fly June 19… I would have had only 9 days to finalize everything. June 15, I still don’t have a “yes” nor a “no” in mind. I was so goddamn confused on what to do. There’s only one thing that can make me decide on whether to go or not… and I think I’ve mentioned that already. I was chatting with an old friend and told him my dilemma, he tried to convince me, and he could be the reason I was waiting for. But nah, he did not convince me enough. And also, there was NO call that day.
June 16, it was 11:34 in the morning, I was still busy searching for tours and packages, was still busy checking out flights. What the hell, all fares had gone up because the dates I was looking for are already too close. But then again, for the nth time I clicked cancel instead of confirm on these exasperating online tickets. I just did another change of mind when I saw a call on my phone. It’s not a registered number but my heart skipped big time. Must be the call I’ve been waiting for.
“Hello” I was trying to figure out who was on the other line although I knew who he was. I was just hoping it could be another person.
“How are you?” the voice said on the other line. I said I was okay.
“Listen, can you do me a favor? … blah blah blah” the next part of our conversation was history… I just remember scribbling some numbers in a piece of paper and the rest… I really don’t remember anymore.
I hung up the phone in frustration. I felt like skipping office that afternoon. Just like the other frustrating afternoons I have had. I wanted to drive around town, drive while crying, drive while whacking my steering wheel and attempting to crash the car to any light post I could choose. I was so mad and I felt so low. And then I started convincing myself that my heart had frozen cold. I need to melt down.
I walked inside my boss’s room and told him I’m taking a leave. My boss just says yes to everything. He even made my leave days “official”. The signs must have arrived late. Thanks for the call, it came anyway.
Damn it, I’m going home, not the home I used to go home to… but home… the home I’ve been dreaming about. I told my friends I have finally decided and all of them wanted to go home with me. But only one jumped up to an impulsive decision like me and said, “Wait, postpone your trip and I’m coming home with you.” Good, one week is good. I have more time to prepare for hand over and rebooking of flights. And then everything was arranged.
I wasn’t doing this with, nor for anyone. I was doing this for…yes, moi!
I am going to have one selfish escapade in my life. And thanks for the blessings... Appreciated!
A couple of months ago, I have not been sleeping well. I called up friends, chatted with officemates, discussed my dilemma with them, blogged about it… tried to reason out… listed the pros and cons, listed my expenses, asked for signs, felt my heart... and there’s one thing I was clearly sure of… I do not have a decision... yet.
I don’t take this long to decide. So why, you might want to ask. Why was I so undecided to do this thing? Doing this is very easy. Just as my friend had suggested, “Just pack up your things and go” Everything has been arranged, flights, go-go from all authorities, all expenses... settled! Why then, am I still making it so hard?
I was doing this for myself, that’s why. I am not used to doing things for myself. I am not used to making major decisions for my own enjoyment, for my own comfort. I was used to sacrificing for other people. That has become my joy, to hurdle for others, to work for others, to be happy for others. I can’t feel genuinely happy if I know I was doing things for myself. And this trip is for myself. I was doing this for myself, let me just emphasize that. And this took a lot of self-convincing.
That it’s okay to do things for your own self. A lot of my friends said, I deserve this break. It has been four years and I have not stopped working. Please don’t get me wrong. I love working for these “others”, I don’t feel bad sacrificing for them, besides, these “others” are the reason I am working in the first place, these “others” are truly my treasure. There are other people who had worked forty years and had never had a break, and so I asked myself, where are they now? You tell me.
By the way, I for one, shouldn't have any reason to ask these things in the first place. Whole family’s with me and I don’t practically have a house to go "home" to. So some people also asked me the same question I kept on asking myself for the last 2 months. Why do I have to go home? Where is your home? Who is home?
What makes this situation different are the strange dreams that awake me in the middle of the night. Dreams about the smell of green fields and dry lands, dreams about rains and dreams of old friends’ faces. It’s trying to pull me… back "home". And I can’t seem to resist it.
And so, I gave myself a deadline. June 10 I should have decided already. While doing this I was already organizing some plans such as searching for flights and accommodation costs. But June 10 came I wasn’t still decided. I was to fly June 19… I would have had only 9 days to finalize everything. June 15, I still don’t have a “yes” nor a “no” in mind. I was so goddamn confused on what to do. There’s only one thing that can make me decide on whether to go or not… and I think I’ve mentioned that already. I was chatting with an old friend and told him my dilemma, he tried to convince me, and he could be the reason I was waiting for. But nah, he did not convince me enough. And also, there was NO call that day.
June 16, it was 11:34 in the morning, I was still busy searching for tours and packages, was still busy checking out flights. What the hell, all fares had gone up because the dates I was looking for are already too close. But then again, for the nth time I clicked cancel instead of confirm on these exasperating online tickets. I just did another change of mind when I saw a call on my phone. It’s not a registered number but my heart skipped big time. Must be the call I’ve been waiting for.
“Hello” I was trying to figure out who was on the other line although I knew who he was. I was just hoping it could be another person.
“How are you?” the voice said on the other line. I said I was okay.
“Listen, can you do me a favor? … blah blah blah” the next part of our conversation was history… I just remember scribbling some numbers in a piece of paper and the rest… I really don’t remember anymore.
I hung up the phone in frustration. I felt like skipping office that afternoon. Just like the other frustrating afternoons I have had. I wanted to drive around town, drive while crying, drive while whacking my steering wheel and attempting to crash the car to any light post I could choose. I was so mad and I felt so low. And then I started convincing myself that my heart had frozen cold. I need to melt down.
I walked inside my boss’s room and told him I’m taking a leave. My boss just says yes to everything. He even made my leave days “official”. The signs must have arrived late. Thanks for the call, it came anyway.
Damn it, I’m going home, not the home I used to go home to… but home… the home I’ve been dreaming about. I told my friends I have finally decided and all of them wanted to go home with me. But only one jumped up to an impulsive decision like me and said, “Wait, postpone your trip and I’m coming home with you.” Good, one week is good. I have more time to prepare for hand over and rebooking of flights. And then everything was arranged.
I wasn’t doing this with, nor for anyone. I was doing this for…yes, moi!
I am going to have one selfish escapade in my life. And thanks for the blessings... Appreciated!
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